Now, if you've been following me for a decent amount of time, you'd know that one of the things I tend to write about is myself. My narcissism, frustration, desire, I've been writing about what I feel, what I think, how I feel, how I think, it's just about me (now, you could blame this on my narcissism, but bear with me here). First, however, we'd need to go into why I write.
We all have our way of venting, releasing, getting it out, whatever 'it' may be. Writing is my way of doing so. I get home, I overload myself with the primary emotion I felt that day, and I get it out with my fingers (well that just sounds wrong). I tap the keys, and I feel my emotions drain into the keyboard and into the post. The posts are memories, how I felt at certain times, and they are moments frozen in time, that I can look back at and remember, like photos.
|Yes, it is possible that Gallifrey is frozen in one of my blog posts.|
Have you ever felt like you had something so important on your mind you just needed to say it? I feel that way, sometimes, and it's how George Carlin did his specials. (I do recommend watching the videos in this post)
My honesty basically stems from how annoyed/exasperated I am, although I will attempt to be honest even when I'm feeling great. When I was writing that blog post about my narcissism, it was midnight, or close to midnight, I was pretty annoyed, mind you, and that's when I thought "fuck it", and I wrote her name in there, and it's pretty obvious she hasn't read it yet because I know her, and she doesn't like to bullshit people, which is something we have in common. If she found out that I had feelings for her, if she didn't like me back, no matter how close we could be, she'd still tell me that she didn't like me back, and I appreciate that in a person, not just a romantic partner. (One other thing is I'm kinda doubting how well of a boyfriend I could be to her, as being friendly and loving online is a lot easier than being friendly and loving in real life. Sure, I seem epic, and I kind of am, but real life me is a piece of shit)
It is now that I realize I might've gone too far off topic, then again, perhaps not.
I feel nothing about my parents' divorce. My dad divorced my mother, it's been found he was likely having an affair (FYI if my dad is reading this, no hard feelings), and now we're moving from the house I grew up in because my dad apparently has ceased to care about us. My sister's being battered pretty hard by these events, while I've just stood there as she came to me for comfort, and I've had to give more hugs than I've needed for myself. I haven't felt a single thing towards this. It's just something that's happening. Just because I've said this, I now feel better about it.
I have, however, felt this...emptiness that I feel. I'll be lying around, not doing anything, and I'll just feel sad, with no idea why. It's why I wrote this blog post, because I felt sad, and I needed to cleanse my emotions. Louis CK mentions this about cell phones, how electronics are our way of shutting out the sadness of life, despite the happiness that follows, just so we don't have to feel the preliminary sadness of it. I know this, and I do try to be on my phone less, but I don't just be online because of Reddit. I'm online because I have friends here, and I like to check in on how they're doing. Just because I've gotten this out, I now feel better about it.
I feel this way, and when I write about this, I feel like I have a heavy heart. I always feel it when I write about this, then once I submit the post, the weight dissipates, leaving me awake and aware. I then feel conscious, that I am free once more, my burden finally shed with the latest blog entry. I can now fly once again.
|This is such a pain in my heart|
This shit that I write about myself and how I feel is much more than just something worth thinking about. I'm giving everyone who reads my posts insight into who I am, how I feel, and how I see everything around me. This isn't just something worth thinking or complaining about. This is something more than that.
This is the world in the eyes of a visionary.