Elon Musk Can Have My Signature, But I Think He'd Rather Take My Soul. He'll Be Disappointed.

Have you ever felt like there's nothing to do, that everything there usually is to do you either can't do or you don't want to do, but you still wanna do something?

That's pretty much how I feel right now.

I'd say the hardest part about this blog post is deciding on a song to listen to repeatedly while writing it. Depending on the song I choose, this blog post can be different, impossibly different, so different it'd seem like a completely different writer. If I listen to Starset's "Dark On Me", it'll be a sad and pessimistic one, while Shinedown's "Cut The Cord" will create an air of rebelliousness/defiance. Thing is, I'm not sure what song to listen to, what to determine the mood of this post as. Maybe, for once, there shouldn't be any. Maybe I should just write. After all, how many people actually listened to it anyways?

I've got so much to say, and when I try to say all of it, I end up failing and forgetting about it. Even though I have an entire class period of creative writing this year, I still never have written a blog post in there. My primary focus has been my Person Of Interest/Agents Of Shield crossover, which takes up most of my free time, except the time I don't want to write. In the time I don't write, I walk around, listen to music, organize my thoughts, but I don't do anything. I want to write all these thoughts down, and I do my best with these blog posts, but sometimes all the words don't come out.

People say all the time, "oh, that thing about people going to Mars and never coming back is so controversial!" and here I am, off to the side, nervously looking around as I fake a nod. Confession time: I want to go to Mars. My family saw the Martian this past weekend, and it was amazing. Matt Damon's performance as astronaut Mark Watney, trapped on Mars with next to no hope of getting back to Earth, was a masterpiece through and through. Everyone enjoyed the movie for multiple reasons, but I took an interesting aspect of it away from the experience. Mars, the new frontier of human development. No matter if Mark Watney lived or died, no matter if the crew failed to rescue him and died in the process, they would've gone down in history. Even though I've accepted that I'm probably never going to be world famous for my maple syrup company or my (future) lightsaber duel with Jennifer Lawrence, the idea that going to Mars would make me world famous kinda stuck in my mind, I'll admit.

I started to wonder if Elon Musk had indeed funded the Martian's production to serve as a sort of ad for his idea of going to Mars. Either way, I was kinda convinced, especially after I had AP government the day after and our teacher told us how fucked up the world is going to be when we're finally in power. There's a heartless lack of responsibility in leaving everything behind, but I don't think it would be an unpopular suggestion to leave all the politicians who fucked everything up back on Earth. Everyone else can move, if the politicians wanna own the world, they can do just that.

Well at least there's some opportunity on Mars.

Another aspect of the movie that appealed to me was, quite honestly, the peacefulness of Mars and the life Mark Watney must've lived. Had he not been alone, it wouldn't be as horrible in terms of going insane (although he doesn't actually go insane), but even so, he got stuff done, as I believe I would were I in the same situation (and also if I were a botanist). When something isn't key to our immediate survival (*cough cough* college), we don't feel a need to do it. The only reason I did the college essay assignment this morning was to get my english grade up from a 43. I know my English teacher probably won't see this, but in my defense, I was so Donne with Hamlet.

The fact is, one of the things that's most stressful about life on Earth is the bureaucracy, the paperwork, the capitalism, the large-scale stuff that comes from a nation of 380 million. The thing about Mars is the relative peace. Living to survive? There is no paperwork. There's just work, there's just the stuff you need to do that's required for you to survive. There's no polluted atmosphere, plenty of scenery, and a silence that would make a man think. More importantly, there's a silence that would make a man write. I want to write, I want to not have a life of meaningless bureaucratic distraction. College, job opportunities, large-scale politics and economy, it all just takes away from how beautiful life can be, because it can be beautiful, if I had the chance to look and see it. Sadly no, as college comes first.

My valedictorian speech will start off with "I am pretty much the greatest college grad on this planet"

I want to go away, I want to be the first, I want to find my own enlightenment in the wonder of another world. Other people are gonna tear holes in my idea, particularly my mother, who's going to laugh at it, but so what if I want a change in scenery? So what if I want to boldly go? At least I'll be alive, both now and forever with the human race's memory.

I'm Rick Riordan's Competition for Coming Up With Weird Titles

So I haven't done one of these in a while, which should be a good thing, as I'm not so emotionally deprived as to write one of these out of pain, but not this time. Not this time.

As I said, it's been a while since I've done one of these. Senior year's been busy, though not as stressful. Every night I get a certain amount of sleep, and if anyone doesn't already know, I'm actually in a play this year, acting as Theseus in a Midsummer Night's Dream. I was told it wasn't a big part, but when I saw the script and how many lines he had, I was thoroughly convinced my theatre teacher had lied to me. Hippollyta isn't a big part, you know why? She barely says shit. Thankfully I've forced myself into getting off-book a week late, so I'm good, for the moment.

My anxiety? Gone. I'm more socially active than any other time in my high school life. Best I can figure is that in the wake of my dear friend's suicide (I did write a shadow-post about it a week or two ago), I'm more eager to self-harm, but instead of desiring physical harm, I seek out the pain of anxiety. In doing so, I've unwittingly forced myself out of it. I still need some work, but I feel better than ever. I can talk to people, smile in the halls, and I feel like I'm myself for once. I only considered myself as actually being a character in my personality during sophomore year, where I undertook the rite of Mal-sharan, allowing myself to fall to the edge of death in order to find myself. It wasn't a willing journey, but I undertook it nonetheless, succeeding where so many others fail day after day.

I'm writing so much more, if not for my blog. Senior year I decided to replace Latin with creative writing, deciding to take a year for myself rather than the pride of being awesome in Latin. It feels good to be awesome in Latin, you feel like you're smarter than everyone else who's taking a language. They chose the wrong language, now we can finally get a conscripted army together and enslave the other language clubs. Guess they should've learned their history.

Next, we're gonna add a hot tub to the roof of the Latin portable and get Teo a decent meterstick

Anyways, I've been insanely writing like a maniac these past few days, working on a single Person Of Interest/Agents Of Shield crossover. If you're about to wonder whether or not this is any normal fanfiction, I've nearly filled up an entire composition notebook. It's driven me to my wit's end as I've found a plot that fits perfectly together and is awesome overall. I'm wondering if I can turn it in as a final project for the class.

SPOILERS: these two become a thing :)

There were times in my life I felt absolutely shit, like I was the bottom of the barrel, that I had no friends, and there are still times I feel like that. Every time the teacher says "find a partner", I glance around to my friends and find they've all partnered up with each other (with the exception of this awesome girl who asked me if I wanted to work with her on our latest english project. That was a lift to my self-esteem). It's times like that when I realize I don't have any best friends. Everyone notices me when I'm there, but I do wonder if they notice me when I'm gone. As a defiant, rebellious teenager, my simple solution is to prove that I don't need friends, do something to make them notice I'm gone, and the way to do that is to forget my need for a friend in particular.

Friends are important, nobody can deny, but so many people focus on becoming good enough for their friends that they completely forget about becoming good enough for themselves, going to insane lengths to fit in. I learned a long time ago that I never wanted to just fit in, I wanted to be myself.

Now, for the first time in my life, I feel like myself, and I feel alive.