Monday, July 18, 2016

Screw Halo Reach, This Is A Monument To All My Sins

After two days at my dad's, where I mainly played Halo Reach (achieving Legendary mode status, for anyone who knows what a momentous achievement that is), today was my first full day back at my mom's. That being said, I'm not really sure what to talk about, having ridden out the spirit journey of my dad's. I tend to try, but is the absence of a struggle to draw on, in itself, a struggle to draw on?

I met my best friend yesterday night, my first night back at my mom's after two weeks. Naturally, mom didn't approve of me staying up late to browse the internet, and I myself thought, "alright, I'll get off after this next person", when suddenly, there she was, the best friend I realized I had never had as a child. Instead of moving to Austin, preferably south, her parents made the decision to go to Nevada to live (I'm not sure if her parents actually considered this, but if they did, I won't be surprised). Several defining aspects of my character were drawn to the bubbling surface of my psyche to meet her, finding equal elements within her, and I wondered if I had a twin.

Of course, we look nothing alike, but when faced with a standardized test of who we were, we are hardly distinguishable. She doesn't know about this blog. She hasn't read it, hasn't seen the darkness of my past, but I bet that she'll find some aspect of herself within it, some way to relate. A new best friend will always find the way to relate. Before anyone says she's just someone I met on the internet and thus I don't actually know her at all, I'm inclined to raise one of the fingers from my hand, and you can guess which one. I'm unashamed to say I knew her more in one hour than I did any of the 100+ people in my 4 years of high school. I know her more, because I need only know me.

Knowing yourself comes in handy, to say the least.

Brainwashing is surprisingly commonplace. Brainwashing is akin to hypnosis, in that it requires submission of will to an outside force, such as society or a company's advertisement or even a single person. Brainwashing is hypnosis used nefariously, used to make another person believe themselves someone other than themselves. Of course, I prefer to help people via hypnosis, help them realize that the person who they are is a total badass. The definition of badass is inherently subjective, but in essence, a badass is a term to describe something respected. Who doesn't want to be respected?
"There are greater things than victory

Today is my day, no matter if I win or lose.

I will look out into the storm of fire and death and cry, "oh what a day! What a lovely day!"

Today I will be awake, for that is my potential. I have potential for many things. I am a singer, a writer, an artist, a dreamer. I'm more than just one person, I am everything I've ever been and everything that I will become. I am feminist as much as i am mysogynist, the only difference is my choice.

I choose to be awake.

My life is my own. Life is a series of suggestions, "do this" "dress like that" "don't say such things", but I have control over which suggestions I accept. I can accept the suggestion to do this, but disregard the one about how I should dress.

Right now, my body is giving me the suggestion that I'm anxious, that I'm not worth it, that I'm afraid. With the snap of my fingers (snaps) I disregard these suggestions. These are animal instincts, and I am no animal, I am greater.

My name is ___________, and no matter what, this day is mine.

Today I will walk home with my held higher than when I walked out, for the endurance of failure is more honorable than the avoidance thereof. I will face my demons. With the snap of a finger, they have no power over me (snaps).

The only person who has power over me and my decisions is my higher self, the glorious young (man/woman) who's speaking aloud right now, the best that the person known as [Name] can be.

Just as I have my worst shortcomings, I have (him/her), my higher self. (She/he) is as much a part of me as my anxiety, a shining star in the blackness.

(She/he) is me, and I cannot deny (his/her) rightful power.

I am __________, and this day is mine." 
 DIRECTIONS: Read aloud to yourself, and believe every word. 

Ever since Emilia's suicide ten months ago, I've always tried my hardest to help people.

I remember her telling me one time that her English teacher was showing off my blog in her class, attempting to give her students some essence of human emotion to draw upon, to help them realize that life isn't sunshine and roses, that even in spite of that, we keep going, that none of them are alone.

This blog is my passive attempt at helping people.

Ever since then, I've always unofficially been a therapist or a counselor to people, whenever I could be, out of a desire to have no one else suffer like she did. It's only recently that I've pondered getting paid for it, and making a career out of it, but that's something my mother, naturally, disapproves of, the main reason being the lack of money, which is understandable, but also the stress. There are therapists who need counselors of their own because they can't cope with the stress and the weight of other people's problems, but when my mother mentioned this, all I could think was that I can take it. Why? Because I'm not 'taking' anything, not really. Is an artist unable to stand an art gallery?

I find a beauty in the human experience, as evidenced by literally everything I've ever written. I am a mix of a nihilist and a romantic, and that strange combination creates an insane perspective on the human condition. Life isn't just walking the dog. If that is your entire life, then that's boring. Your life is more than just walking the dog, your life is a story, with it's ups and downs and twists of a love triangle. Your life, if transcribed completely into a movie that people could spend all their time to watch, would be the most realistic and relatable thing ever filmed.

For the sake of your story, open yourself up to the bad things that'll inevitably happen in your life.

For the sake of your story, kill the dog.