Self Confidence Issues? Tell Me About It, I've Been Acting As A Sleeper Agent For The Past Two Years.

Okay, I've been wanting to do a blog post all day, and I only figured out what I could write about in the shower. I guess those things really do work for when you need to think.

/r/showerthoughts is where they think about the important things

Anyone who's been following my blog for a while (and I do wish more people would actually click 'follow' on my damn blog) knows that I don't just write about random shit. I write about an emotion I'm surrounded in, and flesh it out to the point where we can go into the deep stuff. I basically follow Forrester's first key to writing, "You write your first draft with your heart, and you rewrite with your head." Simple, right?

I find it amazingly easy to really write, depending on circumstances. My problem is while I write about my feelings and emotions, I find it soul-crushingly harder to voice them aloud. I always talk to people at school, and anyone at my school should know that, however, I don't talk to anyone. If I talk to you, I either A) really want to, B) really need to, or C) I just like you. This means that if you want a conversation to happen between us, start it yourself, because I'm probably not going to.

My demon, my own personal flaw, the one thing I hate about myself most, has always been my self-confidence, because that's the only thing wrong about me that I can't fix that easily. I know why, of course, why my self-confidence plagues me, a person who's pretty pretentious at times. It's because of the exact same reason that Tony Stark has his existential crisis in Iron Man 3.

I used to be pretty self-absorbed, with maybe a little hint of modesty, but not that much, and then I discovered that I was not as important as I thought I was.

Right....people

Picture this: you're on top of the world, you're the awesomest badass the world has ever known. Suddenly, you realize you are no better than anyone else around you, and you're even worse than some people. With a person like me, you cease to think of yourself as self-absorbed and instead fall back on the default that you are worse than everyone, and that you're nothing (this isn't necessarily the case, but bear with me here). It's once again the metaphor of sending 100 watts into a 60 watt bulb. Your tank of self-confidence has gone over the top, tipped over, and you've barely managed to correct yourself, but your tank is now empty, you have nothing. You begin to be paranoid, thinking everyone is judging you. You don't want to come out of your shell, you don't want to risk it where you could lose everything, at least according to your paranoid mind.

This is a painful but necessary realization, and I'm still suffering from the aftereffects of it, but my solution is not to let anyone notice. Fake it until you make it. I'm a lot better off than I was two years ago, even though I still act vain, I still create this illusion of me being on top of the world, I still attempt to believe I am the best.

Of course, that still doesn't mean I am. When I have to socialize randomly, I still feel my heart pumping, adrenaline rushing in. I am still afraid. For an actor, this sucks, as it should. Being on stage doesn't help at all. Your mouth dries up, your words get caught in your throat, you feel like you're about to piss yourself. Stage fright is a hell of a thing, especially to get over.

now THIS is an old reference to make.

Speaking of, I do believe that I am getting over this problem of mine, and that I've improved so much since this quest began. I still get nervous when talking to actual people, sure, but I've branched out a lot since freshman year. I've made tons of friends, I've done so much along the way. (This should motivate me to realize that maybe I really am awesome as hell, but what the fuck do I know?)

My crush, (rather, love interest), is further challenging my social courage, as she very well should. It's been so long since I fell in love with Mikayla (are you paying attention to these? Please do, I'm too nervous to say it out loud) that it just kills me every time I see her and don't say anything. I really want to, but no matter how much I push away my inferiority issues and pump myself up for the action, all that needs to happen is for her to walk into the room and suddenly they're back. I can't do it, it's just insanely intimidating, especially for an idiot like me who can't help but feel this way.

I could go on and on about this, but I'd be wasting the hell out of your time (I'd probably need a separate blog post for it).

My confidence issues are a hell of a problem to tackle, in my opinion, the only real problem I have to face, and even if I do manage to ask her out, I seriously doubt that would solve everything. I still have to take on everything else, but maybe that might be lessened by her. Maybe.

Just maybe...I can be me again, more so than I am now.