Last semester in my theatre class, we did a happy project, where we had to tell the class what made us happy and stuck with us. Naturally, I chose to talk about George Carlin, how awesome he was, and how he always makes me laugh. That was the hook and the line, then came the sinker. I brought up that George was the reason for my "don't-give-a-fuck" attitude, then pulled out a juice box and drank it for the remaining 30 seconds I was required to present (rules say no eating or drinking in the classroom), leaving the class, and the teacher, in tears by the end, yet none of them knew how true it would become (allow me to say that I did not gain that attitude from George Carlin; though he did have a hand in it's origin, it was mainly of my doing.)
This juice box is how my theatre class knows me
I've been sick for the past week and found no motivation to do my homework, but I've found the time to think, time which never is wasted. I thought about a blog post a friend made about being a 21st century nomad that basically explained a POV of the concept of living for that day only, making enough money for that week (kinda like the average college student), and travelling around, living your life; ever since he wrote that post, I was always intrigued by it as it presents an alternative style of living, one that conforms to my own ruling and judgement. "What do I do with my life?" "Good question, what do you want to do with your life?"
Another thing I thought about was the whole conundrum (which I will call The Prison Conundrum) surrounding the fact that you go to school for 11 years so you can go to another school for a few more years so you can get a decent job and work to get money for most of your life so you can enjoy that money in the 30 years of retirement you have until you die. what an amazing fact! The complete opposite of the life above, no freedom, lots of work hours, not enough time to live my life as I want to.
These two ideas I thought about worked pretty much hand in hand with each other. The idea of me wasting my life away working on a menial job, that (which, given my resume/work habits/online history, I probably wouldn't have gotten in the first place) would only give me 30 or so years to fully live my life makes me afraid of wasting my life away, never doing anything I'd want to. I could walk out into the street and get hit by a car (shit, you could, too) and everything I've ever thought and wanted to do, every impulse and desire, every unsaid concept would disappear, and my life as I know it would die and it's potential be lost immediately and forever. It may not be a car, it could be anything, at any moment, at any point, you could die. you will die. and everything you've wanted to say or do will be gone. Forever. and you'll never get the chance to say or do any of it.
That's why I'm starting to care less and less about school and the life I'm meant to live. Everything we've ever been taught in school is meant to coincide with the prison conundrum. We're all meant to study hard, be great, everyone is meant to get all A's, participate in extracurricular activities, go to college, and get high paying jobs, as well as doing everything we're told, until we retire, then we're free to live our life as we choose. I say bullshit, I want to live my life to the fullest (yolo, if you will, but not in the dumbass-ish sense), I don't want to live my life by means of stress and repetition. I want to be free (A leaf on the wind?) to do as I please, so long as I don't hurt anyone.
I have a bucket list, a list of everything I want to do in life, and the life based on the prison conundrum will never allow me to fulfill that expectation. I want to live, I want to feel, I want to live my dreams...I want to choreograph a lightsaber duel with Jennifer Lawrence.
Your life is in your hands, so what the fuck are you doing in here? do what you want, and live your life, before it's gone, because it's only then you'll realize how much of it you've wasted and regret what you didn't do.
Your life is in your hands, so what the fuck are you doing in here? do what you want, and live your life, before it's gone, because it's only then you'll realize how much of it you've wasted and regret what you didn't do.
Alright, one more thing, guys, I really want some more activity on here. This isn't just a place for me to vent and overshadow your opinions with mine. You have this awesome ability to add your thoughts/opinions to any of my posts by means of a little button that says 'comment'. I want to hear your opinions as well. Thanks for listening, few people who do!
I've felt this way about life myself in general Dirk. I call it the rat race and as you pointed out it does seem unfair. Working for the majority of your youth to retire at aged (in my case) 67 in a half to recieve a full pension and enjoy whatever life you might have left. Some of us reach retirement age and are too physically ill or drained from a life of work to even enjoy those last years of our life.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the fact that death is inevitable and unpredictable also makes you question whether all that sacrifice and labor is worth it in the end. Maybe this is one of the imagined virtues of religion. The false promise that when you die if you die in Christ that all of lifes pains and sorrows will be forgotten. You will live eternally in the presence of an imaginary guy in the sky. There will be no more sickness, death, crime, injustice, etc.
I think religion is an escape although imagined from the harsh realities of this life. It gives some people comfort that in the end it's not all bad. As an atheist myself who has been through numerous struggles and has faced adversity in my life at every turn I can attest to the fact that reality is a hard pill to swallow. But it's all we have and while we are here we just have to make the most of it.
There's more than one conundrum to consider.
ReplyDeleteYou may die tomorrow, but you probably won't.
Take it from me you don't want to be tied down in some menial job that sucks the very life from you, paying just enough to keep your head above water (or just under the surface as is usually the case). You won't get to do fuck all of your bucket list.
So when you're 40 you go back to school because there's something you enjoy that you need to be qualified at to earn a decent wage. You're now worried about your life running out and your bucket list has hardly been fucking touched. So you commit to 3 years of education with a bunch of kids who don't know what the fuck they're doing (and no income) and then to 5 to 10 years of whoring yourself to whoever will pay you the most. That's 50 odd before you get to look at your bucket list again.
I wish that when I was a kid I'd put my bucket list to one side for 10 years and did all of this education and whoring when I was younger. That way I would be young enough to be able to enjoy scratching things off my list and not regretting the things I didn't do.
Another thing to consider, which is fucking depressing, is that even if you do all the things you want to do, it won't mean a thing.
ReplyDeleteHumans are not made happy by achievement. Humans are made happy by not being killed by setbacks.
This is because of how our minds strive to reset the bar to "normal", no matter how high we raise it.
My advice would be to get into your mind. Rock that motherfucker. Shit like zazen really works.
So...I'm somewhat a lot older then you and given that truth, it might not mean anything, but what you wrote hit me in the back of my head pretty hard. I love your honesty and your feelings reminded me of someone I had a strange encounter with when I was about your age. This guy in the past wrote a book called "The Fuck Up". Why would someone title their first writings The Fuck Up??? Because that's just how he felt. That's just how I felt when I bought it. No matter what, we're always gonna be a bunch of fuck ups 'cause there's no ingredient in how to live. It took me 40 years to finally find out what I'm living for. I had a kid and to imagine that this gave me pure happiness is 100% pathetic. I should have been happy long ago. I worked my ass off for nothing. The steady pay checks didn't make me happy, so you're on the right track, buddy.
ReplyDeleteI can't give advice to anyone who's younger then me. I feel what you feel. I simply was there! I guess in all honesty what I could come up with is this...Don't let money hold you back in traveling the world. Don't let fear rule your mind. I had a dream last night that aliens were watching us and they wrote in the sky, "FEAR NOT, SERIAL KILLERS". I thought about how I devour chicken and beef and pork, but so what?! No one taught me the rules of life. I just copied as I moved along, but it's that dream. "FEAR NOT". Maybe, like me, you're waiting for something to happen. Some apocalypse! Just look back at that bucket list. This world is free to roam. If you don't like school, fuck it. You could always go back if you want to. Seriously, you can always go back! And one last thing. It was the first thing on my mind. Take up writing. You're really good at it. I could see The Fuck Up as a sequel, 20 somewhat years later.
It can be very hard to understand when you're young, but "enjoying life" and "really living" and concepts like that are not things that work and school prevent you from doing. You'll find that those things are an integral part of those concepts.
ReplyDeleteYou really don't wait until you retire to start living, even if you do go and do all those things. Life is happening to you all the time, and enjoying it is something you can do all the time. That's because while those bucket list items are great, and you want to try to work those in where you can, they're not the only parts of life you'll enjoy. In fact, they may not even be in the top ten when it's all said and done. Someday, you'll even remember fondly some of the things you thought nothing of at the time, and some of the things you dreamed of and fought for for years will, in retrospect, seem so silly.
It's natural to be anxious to get on to better things when you're younger. However, as you age, you increasingly wish you could slow things down. Those great moments are ever so fleeting, but that's part of why they're great too.