Monday, February 17, 2014

I Just Don't Give A Shit Anymore

First things first, the title definitely describes how my life's going right now, just in case you thought this was an analogy for something or a post with deeper meaning. it does have somewhat of a deeper meaning, but mainly this is just a rant about how much I no longer care about my life or where it's meant to be going.

Last semester in my theatre class, we did a happy project, where we had to tell the class what made us happy and stuck with us. Naturally, I chose to talk about George Carlin, how awesome he was, and how he always makes me laugh. That was the hook and the line, then came the sinker. I brought up that George was the reason for my "don't-give-a-fuck" attitude, then pulled out a juice box and drank it for the remaining 30 seconds I was required to present (rules say no eating or drinking in the classroom), leaving the class, and the teacher, in tears by the end, yet none of them knew how true it would become (allow me to say that I did not gain that attitude from George Carlin; though he did have a hand in it's origin, it was mainly of my doing.)

This juice box is how my theatre class knows me

I've been sick for the past week and found no motivation to do my homework, but I've found the time to think, time which never is wasted. I thought about a blog post a friend made about being a 21st century nomad that basically explained a POV of the concept of living for that day only, making enough money for that week (kinda like the average college student), and travelling around, living your life; ever since he wrote that post, I was always intrigued by it as it presents an alternative style of living, one that conforms to my own ruling and judgement. "What do I do with my life?" "Good question, what do you want to do with your life?" 

Another thing I thought about was the whole conundrum (which I will call The Prison Conundrum) surrounding the fact that you go to school for 11 years so you can go to another school for a few more years so you can get a decent job and work to get money for most of your life so you can enjoy that money in the 30 years of retirement you have until you die. what an amazing fact! The complete opposite of the life above, no freedom, lots of work hours, not enough time to live my life as I want to.

These two ideas I thought about worked pretty much hand in hand with each other. The idea of me wasting my life away working on a menial job, that (which, given my resume/work habits/online history, I probably wouldn't have gotten in the first place) would only give me 30 or so years to fully live my life makes me afraid of wasting my life away, never doing anything I'd want to. I could walk out into the street and get hit by a car (shit, you could, too) and everything I've ever thought and wanted to do, every impulse and desire, every unsaid concept would disappear, and my life as I know it would die and it's potential be lost immediately and forever. It may not be a car, it could be anything, at any moment, at any point, you could die. you will die. and everything you've wanted to say or do will be gone. Forever. and you'll never get the chance to say or do any of it.

That's why I'm starting to care less and less about school and the life I'm meant to live. Everything we've ever been taught in school is meant to coincide with the prison conundrum. We're all meant to study hard, be great, everyone is meant to get all A's, participate in extracurricular activities, go to college, and get high paying jobs, as well as doing everything we're told, until we retire, then we're free to live our life as we choose. I say bullshit, I want to live my life to the fullest (yolo, if you will, but not in the dumbass-ish sense), I don't want to live my life by means of stress and repetition. I want to be free (A leaf on the wind?) to do as I please, so long as I don't hurt anyone.

I have a bucket list, a list of everything I want to do in life, and the life based on the prison conundrum will never allow me to fulfill that expectation. I want to live, I want to feel, I want to live my dreams...I want to choreograph a lightsaber duel with Jennifer Lawrence.

Your life is in your hands, so what the fuck are you doing in here? do what you want, and live your life, before it's gone, because it's only then you'll realize how much of it you've wasted and regret what you didn't do.

Alright, one more thing, guys, I really want some more activity on here. This isn't just a place for me to vent and overshadow your opinions with mine. You have this awesome ability to add your thoughts/opinions to any of my posts by means of a little button that says 'comment'. I want to hear your opinions as well. Thanks for listening, few people who do!