Stress Can Get To You, And Sometimes It's Too Much

Well, here I am again in Robotics, writing away my stress. It's the only class I ever really have time to blog, now that we're actually doing stuff in Theatre (not serious stuff, but pressing enough stuff that there's no time to blog) and also since we're doing work on our project, and you all know how much I love to work on projects. Enjoy the music, because I feel this describes how I am emotionally right now.

As I've let on before, I've completely lost interest in physics, and due to my disinterest, I'm currently failing that class as well as English. English is mainly a result of laziness on one major grade, but Physics is nothing but AP prep. We're required to come in either during lunch or after school to work on the practice AP, and for those who aren't taking the AP, their final exam grade will be their grade on the AP. Naturally, I regard this as bullshit, and laugh at the people who say they're several homeworks behind in physics, since I'm not even close to being as ahead as they are. I love the teacher, and I think he's a swell guy, but he gives us tons of homework in the form of test/review packets, at the same time saying that he's gonna ease up on the normal homework for the time being. English is mainly just because I've neglected to read the books, being busy with other homework, and thus I fail the essays and quizzes then try to convince myself I don't care.

Anyways, yesterday my mom and I were talking at the table when the subject got around to this, and she attempted to push me into getting my work done, and I pushed back, telling her that it was insufferable in that class, and I had none of the basic enthusiasm I'd normally have for such a class. It escalated, with both of us pushing harder until I, frustrated, immediately retreated to my room, despite being in the middle of an episode of Buffy on my closed laptop in the living room. Despite my phone being easy access and in no danger of being taken away by a pissed-off parent, all I could do was lie face-down on my bed, pushing the pillow over my ears as I could easily overhear my sister rushing to my defense back at the table. Even when we've been to the point where we've hated each other's very existence, my sister and I have always had this unspoken mutual agreement, this contract between us where if one of us is attacked, the other one forgoes their hatred of the attacked one in order to defend them, and hits back if possible. My sister defended me, and I struggled to control my breathing as I tried to muffle the sound of it, my headphones also still remaining in the living room with my laptop.

It wasn't until my mom came in to apologize and put her arms around me that I cried for the first time in over two years. It's true, I haven't cried in a long time. Partially because I have a condition with my eyes, partially because nothing has ever been strong enough to affect me to the point where my eye condition's prevention of my released sorrow is negligible. I'm glad for it, I really like crying because it's just like writing, you release all the shit that's been at your heels since forever and just cry. You don't even have to acknowledge the person who's holding you in an attempt to comfort you, you just cry.

The phrase "I don't want to go..." fits later on in the blog post. Keep reading.

There's a reason why I was able to cry, and it's not because the allergies weren't that bad yesterday, but because my mother forced me to confront the reality of the situation I'm in. Physics is a mess, English I'll be able to fix next six weeks, I'm seriously behind in my Latin homework (I'm guessing my teacher knows about my situation and sympathizes, because he hasn't called on me when we go over it for the past few class periods) and Robotics I'll most likely not finish due to the inability to concentrate, due in turn to the issues with my dad. My mother grabbed me by the chin and forced me to look at the hideous thing in my life that I've been refusing to look in the direction of. Sometimes we need that, whether or not it spurs us into action, sometimes we need someone to challenge our perception of reality, because reality changes and we fail to notice. When you live your life a certain way for a while, you're barely able to notice the gradual change in your lifestyle. It's only when someone points out how it was at the beginning and how it is now that you realize that the sea level has risen several inches over the past decade, but I digress.

The tears flowed naturally, and I cried for a good long while until my mother let me go and asked if I wanted to skip for today, to which I naturally refused, since today is a B day and none of my stressful classes are today. I would've missed a daily grade in AVP, a practice AP multiple choice section in English, and apparently we're getting assigned roles in theatre today, which I've actually been looking forward to. Fact is, even if my mother had asked me if I wanted to skip tomorrow, I'd refuse. Again, I have two justifications: not only would not going to school not save me from the assigned homework that's my main problem, but I also don't necessarily wanna walk away from my problems.

I go to LASA high school (which I can never resist saying is the #8 high school in the goddamn nation), and this is a school anyone in the school district can go to, regardless of their default school. My default school, Bowie high school, is now the school I would go to if I chose not to go to LASA. LASA is a stressful school, it's meant to prepare us for college by making itself even harder than college (which has actually turned me off college for the time being). One needs to keep their grades above a certain level to stay there, hence why my mother was getting on my case about it, since my grades in physics and english aren't doing so well (it's now that I'll mention that our school district, AISD, switched from Gradespeed to a system called Teams last year, which many people complained about to no avail. Funny thing is, the place where you check your grades on Teams is blocked on the school wifi, go figure).

My mom's repeatedly said that if I find LASA too hard, she can pull me out, but I've always said no, because no matter how hard it's been, no matter how far it's driven me toward suicidal thoughts and tendencies, I love it here. LASA, naturally, is a school full of nerds, and that culture of nerds is exactly what I want to be surrounded by. The former assistant principal once told a story to us as incoming freshmen about two students in the halls arguing vehemently about the answer to a physics equation. Normal schools, it's boy/girl drama, social stress, or some other normal high school reason to get into a fight. Here? It's physics.

Alright, I'll stop with the David Tennant pictures now

LASA high school is the place any smart person would want to be, because so many other smart nerds come here, and they're free to be nerds, and I'm free to let loose with my nerdy witticisms and philosophical musings about life. In normal high schools, I would be pushed by the jocks to fit into a box, people would insult me for no reason, people would push me down because it makes them feel better. Sure, I can easily say "Fuck you" right back at them and stay fixed in my seat where I am, unable to be pushed off, but that's not the point. In a school like Bowie, I would have to be mentally ready to defend myself, constantly alert in order to keep my reputation intact. In middle school, I got right into this mindset, and I'm still forcing myself to shed it since then, having no need to care about defending myself and nothing to fight against.

This is the kind of school I go to, and I'm still fighting, not against the social pecking order, but against the vigorous curriculums and stressful teachers. It makes me sad that I'll (ideally) be going to college in less than a year and a half, because I love it here. No matter how nerdy the college is, there's still never going to be one anything like LASA. However, I wouldn't commit seppuku should I fail out, and I would, with a heavy heart, trudge to Bowie and as I mentioned before, redeem myself by taking over the drug trade there. I may dig my heels in and hold my own for as long as I can, but when I have no other alternative, I'll yield.

It doesn't matter if I do fail out of LASA, because even if I can't, I will still live the rest of my life having found myself. It doesn't matter what you lose, you still have something you've gained from it.