Sunday, April 10, 2016

Is this who I have become? Or is it who I have been this whole time?

This is my third time attempting to write a blog post. I've noticed I've been skimming on them lately, mostly in favor of other people or my own paper notebook. It's like once I write something down, I consider myself done with it, even if I don't publish it. Well, here I go again, and I don't know how I feel.

I'm so inconsistent. Some days I'll be obsessed with Star Wars, others I'll look up William Shatner's reddit history for kicks. For some reason, that's also true for blog posts. For some reason, I just can't keep writing, I have to end, maybe because I'm used to writing long updates for you guys to read. I'm the kind of guy who either writes a huge story in my head or dismisses it without a second thought, in short, I go big or go home.

Needless to say, I go home a lot.

I think the worst part about me is my ability to not care. It's not that I don't care during an event in my life, but I can easily turn it off, become someone separate from all of it. I don't know why, maybe I just subconsciously try to become someone separate from everything because of my inability to cope with my reality. All these stories in my head, all these characters I can become, are just entirely separate personalities, and I can put a hand over the mouth of the one that cares, if I need to.

That's why acting is easy for me. Imagine a character, any character, and I have some opinion or experience regarding said character. Every human consciousness is made up of millions upon millions of different aspects of said consciousness. For me, there's me, then a demigod, then a Sith, a warrior, a pacifist, a hero, a villain. I am all of these things and more, and if I need to, I can become one of them with ease, because they all are a part of me. That's why acting is easy for me, because of the immense amount of how much I don't care about who I am.

So who am I? (<----Note: read this!)

I am enlightened, in a way. This allows me to prioritize, bring out different aspects of myself at any time. Acting isn't reacting, acting is living within a certain aspect of your psyche. People say acting is a form of entertainment, a way to gain fame and fortune and to satisfy one's ego, but they're wrong. Acting is your life. If I ask you who you are (not your name, who you are), you'll probably have an answer, because you've assigned yourself a title and you've stuck to it, but not so with me. People underestimate life, and believe foolishly that it's a constant. Wrong. Life is the most inconstant thing anyone can imagine, and if you were to ask me who I am (again, not my name), I would have no answer. I don't know who I am, I just am, every aspect of myself coming forth, feminist, misogynist, bully, victim, whether desired or not. Who am I? I am everything I've ever been, and everything I've ever become.

There's a infinite amount of fragments of my personality that don't care, and an infinite amount that do. The interesting thing about me is my ability to choose whether or not I care. I can delve into addictions for the longest time and then simply quit without a second thought. I can care for the longest time and then simply choose not to.

So why do I still care about her?

She 'left' me (as much as an internet girlfriend can leave you) due to the lack of physical affection, a desire she couldn't live without, and has been radio silent ever since. She's said she's been busy, and I believe her, but you'd think she could message me once in a while. She told me to consider it a breakup for all intents and purposes, and mentally I did. Of course, our brain isn't where it hurts, is it? I miss you, Danielle, please talk to me. Please.

Back to my life, it's life, meaning it's one thing on one day, and another the next. Mainly it's dance class, where the teacher's insufferable, because English actually has become slightly tolerable. A days are a pain, a hub for drowsiness, while B days are full of activity. Why is it never balanced? Damn school district.

I am depressed, and yet I love myself. That's life. It sucks and it's painful, but you'll need all of yourself to get through it alive intact.

Who are you?