I Love Myself A Teenage Romance Novel That Isn't Shit

Finally, time. Time to compose a masterpiece about my emotions, time to release stress, time to cry over TFIOS, which was just painful to read at the end. The pain lives on, and so must we live.

Recently I've been alright. I haven't really given any information, even in my last blog post, about my current state of affairs. My dad has been quiet as of late, in regard to his ripples, all that really happened on his front was his exposure of me to the pleasurable company of my aunt and her husband at Cheddars. Through all the conversation on their front, I got the impression that military college was apparently a good idea.  Of course, that's not to say that helped me overcome my being completely burnt out from school. It didn't. Here I am, not alone in my english classroom when it comes to desiring to do absolutely nothing. We'd rather just watch X-men, and I hate it because it's distracting me from the emotion within me. Gee, politics in this universe is almost too realistic, thus I digress (but seriously, how is this woman not thinking of comparing this asshole senator to Hitler and winning the debate due to holocaust guilt?)

I'm burned out, and I'm doing absolutely nothing, not in physics, not in latin, not in APUSH. I absolutely hate this distraction, and so I'll force myself to tune out X-men for an hour so I can focus on this. It's hard to keep focused sometimes when it comes to one's emotions, sometimes everyday life catches us in the current and we lose sight of the river at hand. Sometimes we're too busy swimming to survive we forget to swim for the hell of it.

Today I finished the book we all know as The Fault In Our Stars, and I loved it. John Green's expression of the pain of dying from cancer is so exquisite, such the writing I wish to one day create on my own. Fortunately for Mr. Green, he'll probably keep hold on his bragging rights of having the greatest romance novel ever for many years to come, if not many years longer than my own pitiful life.

Okay, I've mainly inserted this so that this blog post will have a good thumbnail. It's only partially relevant

As I read the euphony of words that comprised TFIOS, I couldn't help but imagine what my life would be like were I currently dying (fuck this movie). John Green perfectly presents the perspectives of a cancer-stricken person, between the hopeless dreary personality of Hazel and the sacrificial life-loving nature of Augustus Waters. He proved to be my favorite character, the kind of guy I'd enjoy having as a best friend, the kind of guy I'd enjoy being. I'm practically an Augustus Waters, aside from my lack of social skills and my stunning charisma. It's more the way I regard the world, and not how I make the world regard me. We share the same character flaw of dying for something, the same Hoban Washburne-esque way of joking in the face of all sorts of sad moments. I'm more of a cross between Augustus and Hazel, but then again, so would we all be, in several small ways, just like everyone being a cross between Sherlock and Watson to varying degrees.

Such pain John Green presents to us all, in the form of one of the greatest books I've ever read, and such majesty within said pain. I've always tried my hardest to envision the pleasure within pain, as well as the memory pleasure can bring to us when it's long gone. Pain's what makes the pleasure stronger. Live a life in hell and the very concept of this crappy earth we live in would seem like heaven. A lot of people live in a life where they do simply swim to survive, not finding the ability to swim for any other reason. A lot of people live lives where they've never been able to swim for any other reason than to survive. It's not their fault, it's never their fault, and they tend to blame themselves because the current's always been that way. What other explanation could there be?

I can relate to their feeling of powerlessness, unable to make any headway against this current that's trying to drown them. It's what causes me to fantasize about having powers like in the fantasy genre, superhero movies, etc. It's why a person like me enjoys roleplaying, as I can exchange my world for one where I can stand on equal footing with those who oppress me in everyday life. A time jump here, a ball of fire there, anything that pushes me out from the underdog position and allows me to fight on equal ground. It's what we all desire, and sometimes a book about cancer might very well be enough to give one the courage to make it that way themselves, but sometimes they can't. Sometimes you're brutally kept down against all hope, and there's no book about cancer-stricken teens that can help you. Sometimes it's a result of deeds, not words, that help you overcome those things that hold you down.

(As I switch classes, I'll try to swing this post in a more positive direction when I resume it during lunch. At least then I won't be distracted by the goddamn movie currently playing.)

So where was I? Oh yes. The pain in the latter half of TFIOS was chilling to me, and I didn't care that my English teacher told us some stuff about tomorrow's AP exam during the first five minutes of class, I already knew it and I had a story to finish. That pain in that book killed me to the point where I just had to write about it. At first I thought, "eh, I'll write something after school", but that quickly changed. I could not wait to get my feelings out, to write how John Green's masterpiece had made me feel.

In the end, Hazel has to live, regardless of her condition, regardless of all the people she's lost (I'm trying to not explicitly spoil the book, but you could probably figure it out if you really aren't ever going to read it). The same is true for anyone else, actually, with our own deaths right around the corner for all we know. We could die at any moment, which is why we can't waste our lives just surviving, as Hazel's parents seem to do. So many people simply trudge through life without any thought of where they are, concentrating too much on where they're going or where they've been. People at my high school seem to concentrate so much on whichever college they might be going to...and that's just the freshmen. There are others, very good actors, as they're never noticed, others who concentrate too much on their pasts, on mistakes they made a decade prior. That's anxiety for you, and it's not easily controlled as I can certainly attest.

...Dear god they all just came to mind when I wrote that

So what is there to do? Experience your life, admire your surroundings, find yourself and become yourself. The amount of possible places your life could go is infinite. There are so many places you could go, so many things you could do, so why waste it? (I'll point out, for the sake of my home life, that binge-watching a TV show or playing a video game aren't necessarily wasteful, so long as one watches a TV show actively and intelligently and so long as that game is something like Minecraft). I still have things I need to do, which is why I will never kill myself, despite how often I might feel the urge to do so. I can't kill myself, I still need to choreograph and film a lightsaber duel with Jennifer Lawrence! (It's important to note that after I've done this, I can't kill myself! I'm the guy who choreographed and filmed a lightsaber duel with Jennifer Lawrence!)

That's all for today, my followers (nobody actually follows my blog. Weird). Live on, and live now.