Another Blog Post Explaining The Philosophy Behind Suicide! Yaaaaay!

So I've received some word from my extended family members that they're worried about me, mainly because they found my blog, read the most recent post, and assume I'm depressed and/or suicidal. So, naturally, I got the idea that I should write another happier blog post to cancel out the somewhat dreary ones I've been writing.

So yesterday was great. My AP exam (US history) went well. My APUSH teacher had told us, "you're smarter than 99% of the people taking this test, so don't freak out about it!" and I didn't. One of the essay prompts was even a topic that I made an effort to review two days before on the grounds that it had blurred together in class and I needed to break it up a bit (Don't freak out, Collegeboard, I'm not saying anything specific about what the question was). I wasn't overwhelmed mentally. Physically, on the other hand....

Yes, on the other hand. Pun intended. Ah, long essays...

Back to business, I once again find the dilemma of people thinking I'm suicidal upon me as my extended family checks out my blog. I've actually brought this point up in the past because of the insane amount of sympathy I get for it. I get people are worried, and I appreciate that people care about me, but sometimes it's a bit too much. You know the feeling when you get too much attention, it's distracting, it's time consuming, and when you have a lengthy story to tell, it's cumbersome to have to type it up multiple times for multiple people to hear the same reactions over and over. It's why I enjoy having a blog, why I enjoy writing just one story for everyone to read. I can get sympathy from everyone in one place, and the replies aren't uniform. When two people don't know about their replies, they might say the same thing, but if they hear the other say exactly what they were going to say, they're less apt to copy the said reply.

Yes, I enjoy having my blog because I can vent my emotions in the form of rational reflection. If I say I felt suicidal yesterday, I'm no longer suicidal by now. If I'm writing about the fact I was suicidal, there's a key word in there: was. If I'm writing about depression and suicide, I've had time to reflect upon it. I write these blog posts by experiencing intense bursts of emotion and taking time to rationalize them, then I write it. The blog post I wrote about my dad was shocking for the many people in my life that read it because of who I am: I'm a teenager. Imagine your normal teenager, imagine them getting pissed at their dad and snapping and writing a blog post. It'd be laced with insults, accusations, it'd be pure emotion lashed out at a specific target. Now remember that blog post I wrote? My dad accused it of being an emotional outburst, when in reality the fact that it isn't is what makes it so intense. I was completely rational when I wrote that blog post, letting go of weeks upon weeks of stress. The emotion had already been rationalized, all I had to do was write it.

As for suicide, who can blame me? I live in a very stressful environment, what with my parental situation that happens every other weekend, my school, and of course the simple fact of being a teenager. Being a teenager, I get a lot of pressure, whether it's college or driving or even the idea of who I am. There are so many people who, despite being wealthy and successful, have no idea who they are, and that's something money can't buy them.

To tell the truth, I'm more than just a teenager. I'm a thinker, I'm a visionary, I'm someone who wonders why cereal bags aren't resealable. I'm someone who believes in a universe that's nearly infinite, has no plan for me, has no plan for anyone, and my life will be utterly meaningless in the long run. All things considered, it's no surprise a person like me is suicidal at times. The stress of my life and the stress of existence never fail to make a person depressed. I don't even have control over my train of thought most of the time, how can one keep the suicidal thoughts at bay? Even if you're having the time of your life at Disneyworld with all your friends and there are no lines for any of the rides, there's always that nagging voice that says, "bro, it'd be a lot better if you were dead"

...And now I realize, in an effort to make things less depressing on my blog, I've just written something really depressing. What a confidence booster.

Fact is, life is better than that. When a person's depressed for a very very long time, they desire an escape, any escape, so much that they don't realize that the act of drawing a blade across your wrists doesn't magically teleport you to an all-expenses paid trip to a resort in Jamaica. You don't magically fix everything by killing yourself, you're dead. That's it. Dead.

That's the knowledge, in my opinion, that keeps me from killing myself most of the time, the knowledge that suicide doesn't make everything better, it makes you too dead to feel the pain. The people that commit suicide need something, or someone, rather, to help them see that the act of killing themselves will not make it better. The only thing that will make your life better, if your life hasn't automatically gotten better in the past several weeks, is you. Honestly, if a parent helps their kid with every little thing, that kid is gonna have to fend for himself later on, and he's gonna fail horribly. The same thing, for the religious out there, is true with god. God wouldn't just exist to help you with your science fair projects or your touchdowns. God, in my view, is a parent, having to step back and let us fail so that we can learn and grow.

"Bender, being god isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you, and if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch, like a safecracker or a pickpocket"
"or a guy who burns down a bar for insurance money"
"yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing"

Those who feel constant depression believe suicide to be their saving grace, they've been stuck in this rut that pushes them into an endless cycle, and they most of the time can't get out by themselves, so here I am. I've made these kinds of posts before, but we tend to forget about the fabulous amounts of encouragement we get every day in favor of that one snarky remark from the asshole in your life who drags you down further every time. In the case of some people, it's multiple assholes, even a whole school full of them, but the fact about today's suicidal people is that we're lazy. We don't want to change our lives, we're stuck in the endless cycle, whether it's work or school, and that monotony can drive one into the arms of depression. We need to know that we have the power in our lives, we are the ones that need to change our surroundings,

You still got a chance, don't give up just yet. If you have a 10% chance of winning the lottery in the next ten years (god forbid), you still have a chance, however improbable it is to win. Might as well keep in the game if there's still a chance of emerging victorious

Now, let's not become our demons, shall we?