"That's The Thing About Pain, It Demands To Be Felt", So Feel It!

So things have happened, my sister and I aren't going to my dad's due to matters I shall not discuss, except maybe in private if you ask nicely. Now, for the music.

Today started off weird. I thought it was a late start when it wasn't, leading to me being late to school. Luckily, it's a B day and we weren't doing anything that class period anyway. In English, all we did was read a couple chapters of "catcher in the rye", and then I colored on graph paper for the rest of the period. Now, in Robotics, I'm awaiting my counselor's calling of me to talk in her office, a talk I feel I sorely need, and she isn't. Either she's sick again, or she's forgotten and I'm going to have to miss theatre, where we're doing dry runs of our scripts for the first time. Even worse, I won't get the "Hoard Of The Dragon Queen" D&D adventure from my friend Cole, which I have to read before Monday.

I'm going to be one of the characters in this picture on monday. I still don't know which...

I've been getting a lot of richly deserved sympathy lately, due to suffering that's so evident they wouldn't notice otherwise. This subtextual pain I've been experiencing has been robbing me from my schoolwork, setting me behind for an entire six week period. To avoid fanning the flames, I'm not going to go into detail, although you probably don't need it to know what it is. In Robotics and English I'm screwed, due to projects I normally would do crap on, but now I simply don't bother, being too emotional to even concentrate.

Despite this crap, I feel good today. I got up late, thinking school would start late (Imagine my frustration with myself when I found out I was the late one), and my eyes aren't bothered at all, I'm much happier, having gotten a chance to wish my sister a good day at school, and I can bullshit something arbitrary to end this sequence as a tricolon. As a writer, this pleases me.

I've often mentioned on this blog that I like to transcend my daily pain and spit in it's eye. I turn everything around so that the bad stuff isn't that bad. I love pain, but not in a masochistic way, where I take a knife to my arm simply because I love to do it. Everyone faces pain, no matter who they are or what their social status is, they face it, they feel it, they're forced to endure it, no matter how long they push it away. I take it head on, sometimes pushing it away out of habit, but I always let myself be overcome by it sooner or later.

Yesterday we had an assembly, specifically placed to precede prom night, about drugs and alcohol. A couple people went up, talked about how they conquered their addictions and fight the urge to rebound every day. I might've tuned it out a bit, even though I admired what they went through and how they got out of it, but I understood the concept. I know what drugs and alcohol are (cutting actually fits into this category as well), and they don't make anything better. Drugs, alcohol, and cutting are all ways to escape the pain, which I despise.

I will never need to do drugs or alcohol, I will never need to cut, I will never try to escape the existential angst that will haunt you so much as you're a critical thinker. Pain is not something to be escaped, but to be enjoyed. If you're living your life day to day, half of you left at home every day, you might as well be dead. If you grit your teeth because something hurts you, it means you're alive.

I'm never going to grow up, I'm just gonna get bigger.

My familial issues aren't as bad, my anger at my 'dad''s behavior has once more drifted away. I'm once more innocent and carefree. I could call up in a moment, however, if I feel dreary or like my eyes are glazed over, so I can wake up and experience my life that I momentarily chose to ignore.

Don't escape, don't go somewhere else while you trudge along in your day. Wake yourself up with the pain, because you can't see the good in front of you if you can't push your way through the bad so that it's behind you.