Sometimes I Hate The Fact I Swore Never To Kill Myself, But Life Goes On....

Alright, I really did promise I wasn't going to write in robotics. However, since there's no teacher to turn in my paper assignment to or get back my design after being graded, I don't think the sub's gonna mind. At least I'm not in an entirely empty room.

Finally, the new grading period has taken hold, and finally I'm not gonna be burdened by all the massive amounts of homework I'm behind on from last six weeks. That last grading period was hell, and I'm glad for the refresher.

Even so, I've felt something I can't exactly place. My mom's been busier with stress lately, and although I've portrayed her as less capable in some of my previous blog posts, she's actually pretty strong and kicking. My previous description of her was, so I believe, the result of my mom exposing the broken side of her to me that needed to be fixed at the time, and that weakness she needed me to heal with my comfort tarnished my view of her as the shield-maiden of Rohan in RotK to that of her in TTT. My sister, if she ever reads this, is not gonna know what the hell I'm talking about. Serves her right for not liking Lord Of The Rings.

"No living man am I! You look upon a woman! Éowyn I am, Éomund’s daughter. Begone if you be not deathless! For living or dark undead, I will smite you, if you touch him!"See, I have no idea why my sister wouldn't enjoy this kind of shit.

My weekend with my dad was alright, and even though it wasn't hell, I might be mistaken. I had been banned from the Wifi, banned from the TV, and of course not even provided with a charger for my Chromebook, so I couldn't even work on the internet homework I had. Needless to say, I still wasn't able to concentrate on the normal homework, with my room lacking something of a desk in it's 30+ square feet of empty space (sure, my dad and his girlfriend were in the middle of moving, but my sister got her TV set up in her own room!). My dad told me why I couldn't have such luxuries, as I've steadfastly refused to take down that blog post I wrote about him, and his response is to just punish me forever, since I technically have chosen to be punished. I understood what he was talking about, and I had the foresight and value for my health to not disagree, but I still couldn't help but feel his approach to getting me to take down the post was a bit religious, if anyone gets my meaning.

maybe "predictable" is a better word than "predetermined"

Yes, I promised myself, and possibly my mother, not to talk about my dad in my blog posts due to the repercussions, but honestly, I had gone to my dad's hoping for a confrontation, hoping to give him a piece of my mind, but instead my words stuck in my throat, too afraid of his anger/Jehovah-ness to even offer a comeback. The best one can do with one who uses punishment to instill his word across the land is simply not believe in him and not pay him any mind, but as for my dad, I stopped believing in him a long time ago.

Fast forward to 4.5 hours later, I feel pissed, but not about my dad. My bus, for the entirety of the whole year, has stopped right in front of my house to drop me off. I asked the bus driver to do this since he drives right past my house to get to the next stop and he might as well just slow down so I can hop off (metaphorically speaking). For the past two weeks, my normal bus driver is nowhere to be found, therefore I have to guide the substitutes into not taking the long way around so they can drop me off. The problem is, there have been two subs, and both of them sticklers. It's only natural, considering how they're subs and they don't exactly wanna be rule-breakers from the beginning or some other bullshit reason like that. No matter what the reason, I haven't exactly been able to get dropped off at my stop easily, if at all. The first sub, thank god, was just a little reluctant and dropped me off in front of my house anyway, but this latest sub? Yesterday she didn't even go near my street, and made it clear she was legally obligated to stop only at the places on the sheet of paper.

Today, I decided to be dropped off at the stop closest to my house, which isn't that much better. I've apparently been expected to be dropped off there for the whole year. If that's the case, like it was today, I don't believe AISD has the right to demand a P.E. credit from me, if you get what I'm saying. I'd negotiated with some maternal aid (okay...it was my mom, mostly) with a woman high up in the ranks who could help me get a stop closer to my house. She did, and I didn't think much of it during lunch. However, my substitute wasn't able to drop me off there, and told me such changes took 3 to 4 days to take effect.

Given I've talked nothing about anything philosophical so far, you can guess this is the most pissed off I've been in a long while. I've encountered some anger with my dad, but this isn't the same. The anger I had on the long (and hot) walk home today was the kind of anger I got because I felt severely undervalued by my district. AISD values all their students, right? Apparently not, since they tell us all "make sure to get plenty of sleep" in order to prevent ourselves from getting sick, then putting us on buses in the middle of Texas that have absolutely no air conditioning. I've been severely tempted to let myself die of heat stroke on one of those mobile greenhouses, just so AISD might do something about it (they probably won't).

Ah yes, so I've got my anger out about the 'transportation' at AISD's fingertips, so how to end on a profound note....? I really do try not to make just a whole page of emotional angst and instead include something philosophical you can read from and learn from, and I haven't done much of it this time. In truth, philosophy is like how love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit. Profound thinking like the kind I put forth for others to take in is the kind of thinking that I am passionate about. Passion is what really drives us all, passion for our future, passion for others, passion for who we are. Without passion, we are truly dead. This statement has nothing to do with passion, but I've started reading this in Tim Minchin's voice, so there.

My passion for philosophy allows me to find the profound in the most ordinary emotions, because where else can we find philosophy but our own psyche? My anger gives me inside information about who I am, my passions, my depressions. I've felt extraordinarily depressed the past day or so due to my English teacher's summary of "Catcher In The Rye", which I still need to actually read for the essay on Thursday. I've had to face what makes me depressed, I've had to delve into that dark pit that threatens to devour me so I can see what's in there. In order to be strong, one must know their weaknesses.

And that's all I got for today. I hope you find some profoundness in the former half of this, because with my exhausted body and tired mind which I'm somehow going to do homework with, I couldn't.