My Recurring Issues with Social Anxiety and my Attempts at Being Confident -But Wait, There's More!

Have you ever gone to a new club at your school and felt like you were going despite the fact that you weren't even supposed to be there? Have you ever said "hi" to someone and felt like, the moment you said it, they immediately hated you?

I have, and let me tell you, if you haven't been smart enough to figure it out, it sucks.

Why would I ever think that? Why would I ever think I would want to think that? The truth of the matter is, I have no idea. I've been in my school for three years now, and each year I've gradually had more and more friends as time went by. I feel totally comfortable being where I am, and I still suffer from social anxiety whenever I try to do anything involving other people (well, that took a turn into "cheesy support commercial" area). I have no idea why I'm anxious, when my rational mind says I shouldn't be, but your instincts are different, your instincts nag at you, repeatedly saying, "what if?! what if?!"

I went to D&D club yesterday, and I nearly freaked out on the way there. I felt like I was going to be the odd one out, the total noob who didn't know shit in a room full of 30 people who did. Thankfully, this was not the case. There were only ten people in the club, including me, and I at least knew some fantasy references ("so, I think my character's ready to throw a ring into a fiery mountain!"), unlike this other guy, who actually was a total noob and had no idea what the game was. Don't worry, we'll take good care of him.

"Wait, I thought a lack of Intelligence and Wisdom didn't affect sorcerers!"
"Whoops, sorry, that was Composition we were talking about"

Anyways, you've probably wondered by now why I have social anxiety despite this outward show of confidence. My counselor wanted to know some tips for making friends that she could give to other people, one of them was this: I'm not confident. At all. Maybe a little, but I am not the confident awesome badass that you think I am (at least, in terms of confidence).

I saw a video the other day about this author's graduation speech, I forget whose, but I remember one of the key things he said was that he wasn't a good writer, he just pretended to be, and eventually he aced it. Shockingly enough, that evening I had thought to myself and realized that I had been doing the same thing. I hadn't been confident, I had been pretending to be confident, and through that my confidence had soared over the past several years. I had just been following the old adage, "fake it till you make it", nothing more.

If you know me IRL, and I expect you to feel privileged for doing so, you probably might possibly be able to imagine this, but I'm not that confident. Everyone thinks I am, though (except when it comes to my awesome crush, who I'm not entirely sure if she does the same as me (I wouldn't count on it)), and that's because of one simple reason: I pretend to be confident, and this works. I can be as flamboyant as I want to, being a theatre geek, and be nervous as hell to the point of being ready to die of embarrassment, but in my expression and demeanor I can appear as if I care nothing at all.

How do I do it, then? How do I motivate myself to do something I have literally every reason not to? Simple, I use the same approach I use with writing: Don't think, do. I try never to think about the big social thing I'm about to do, I just do it.

Alright, our product placement requirements are achieved. Now can I get paid for the view count?

Let's say you have time to think about what you're about to do. You hesitate, you freeze up, and you refuse to go outside for the rest of the year. The key is to keep it simple. When you don't think about it, it's a lot easier. (NOTE: This is even easier if you're a man.) You have a social thing you need to do, what's the harm, right? That's when you prevent your brain from answering that question, that's when you prevent yourself from becoming paranoid.

This, not a leather couch, is how you truly become comfortable, not in body, but in mind.

However, if you get the chance, go for the couch.