Sunday, August 24, 2014

School Begins Tomorrow, Time To Do Better.

My last day of summer vacation. My last evening of summer vacation. School looms over me, and I know it has to end. I still haven't watched all of supernatural. I'm only on season 8. The move really did take away the time I needed to watch it all.

My goals of the summer are hardly complete. Yes, I managed to finish the latest chapter of my fanfiction. Yes, I managed to learn a little bit about lightsaber combat. No, I didn't watch all of the TV I wanted to watch. I still never had the motivation to do what I wanted to do.

This blog post I'm writing is different than most. Usually I have a clear view of what I want to write about because it's all built up over an extended period of time. Not here. Here I'm just writing as an obligation to a friend, and I don't know what to write about.

Okay....let's just through the basics. I've gotten nowhere with my crush, and one conversation with her shows we share no classes once again. How marvelous. If I turned this into a video blog and started perpetuating crime, there's only one way this could possibly go.

So back to what we were talking about before this tangent (I actually had to scroll up to see what it was), I think what I want to say is that this year is definitely going to be different from both of my previous years in high school. Freshman year was my setup, Sophomore year was my awakening. What could Junior year be for me?

Thankfully, I've heard on the grapevine that Sophomore year is the hardest out of all the years, and my friend Cole (who tells me he's a lazy ass because of all the shit he went through during Sophomore year) seems to have survived Junior year intact. Hopefully these rumors are true and they don't pull a fast one on our grade. You know how they change it right before it's your turn to participate? Yeah, that. Hopefully they don't do that.

The good news about that, assuming it's true, is that I'll be able to get more personal goals done. Writing fanfiction? In the rush of doing homework, I could very well complete a few chapters of that, to the appreciation of my few readers. I could also learn lightsaber combat or exercise more. I might have the time. Maybe not. I do still need to get a Jedi costume done by October, though.

The force is fun

The fact of the matter is, this year may be the chance for me to better my life even further. I've bettered my sense of reality and awareness of the order of things, but not myself, not any of my life (if anything, my life was blown to shit for a bit there).

And hey, maybe I will get the girl, you never know. I probably won't. She hasn't given any sign she likes me back (hopefully it's because I'm blind as fuck). Also let's hope this definitely doesn't go according to the plot of Dr, Horrible, because her hair is also red like Penny's, and we know how she ended up (if you don't get the reference, watch the damn thing here).

I guess that's all I felt tonight. School's looming over me, my friends await, sadly due to the move I don't have my bus number or a close enough stop, but hey, I'll deal with that shit tomorrow, as always.

Screw January first, today marks a new year. I only hope I can live up to my resolutions.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

School hasn't even started and I'm stressed out and depressed already. Jeez, life sucks at the moment.

Well, this certainly wasn't my best summer vacation so far. With school starting on Monday, I feel unfulfilled. I hardly wrote, I had to pack, move, and now am pushed hard to unpack my stuff before school starts in a couple days. I have shitty internet once again, so don't expect there to be any images on here. Don't worry, I'll improvise. My back hurts, I'm not gonna be able to get treatment for my eyes. Worst of all? I feel empty and depressed again. Yippee.

Let's go through this one subject at a time.

First off, the move. Before I begin, I'd like to thank my mother's boyfriend, Andy, for seriously helping out. My dad just grabbed his stuff out of there and left. I know my dad might read this, but I'm not afraid to say "really? You could've helped out a little", and it's true. With my dad's help, the move wouldn't have taken as long, it would've been a whole lot more efficient, and we'd have more time to unpack before school started. Now, my dad may have a reason for not helping out, and I acknowledge that, but he can't deny that's pretty selfish of him to not even lift a finger to help us. Now I'm completely disorganized with 4 days to go before school starts.
:Insert [Sherlock "that was tedious!"].gif
Secondly, school. Now, I wouldn't mind not having summer vacation and instead having a year long school year, because that's actually much easier. My mother's bitched about the fact that nobody on the public school system wants a school year without a summer because the idiots think that with no summer, there will be a lot more homework for the kids. What idiots.
:Insert ["Nigga, you just went full retard, never go full retard"].gif
Take the water from a small pot and put it in a larger pot. Now look me in the eyes and tell me there's more water in the large pot.
School was a bitch for me in my sophomore year, and I was completely overloaded. I'm told sophomore year is the hardest out of all the years at my school, and for my sake, I hope it's true. If Junior year turns out to be even more stressful than sophomore year, then I am truly screwed. The magnet high school I go to requires that you pass each year, otherwise you get put on probation, and if you don't get your shit together by next semester, then...
:Insert [George Carlin "Out ya fuckin' go!"].meme.png
What a lovely school I go to.

Next, my shitty body. I grew pretty damn tall pretty damn quick, so obviously I have back pain. Though I am anxious about school, I cannot wait to get there so I can use one of those school chairs as I chiropractor.
Even worse are my eyes, and I'll tell you why. So, basically I have this condition where gooey shit will build up behind my eyes (it's either called Perennial Rhinitis or Passive Conjunctivitis), and it will stay there until it bothers me to the point where I have to dig it out with my finger, which is both gross and terribly annoying. It's affected by numerous things: the amount of sleep I get, the amount of allergies in the air, etc. This is very helpful to my people skills, if I do say so sarcastically.
Now, the good news is I can get surgery to remove the stuff that causes this. However, you may have noticed that I mentioned 4 days left in summer until school arrives, which is not enough time for a goddamn eye surgery, unless I want to show up to school with shades and a cane. I didn't have the time because not only was I busy unpacking, but I'm lazy, so why would I even expect to get all of it done in the first place?

Lastly, the emptiness. The empty feeling in my heart that makes me feel as if I've had a hole shot straight through my chest. It's not quite familiar to me just yet, but it is known to me. I feel it begin to vanish, knowing my emptied feelings on this post have caused it to shrink. I'm calmer now, more clear than when I began. The emptiness arises by the combined factors of my sorrow, and I can only hope I find something, or someone, meaningful enough to me to help keep the sorrow away.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Why do I live? Why didn't I just kill myself? Because Fuck You, That's Why.

Dealing with a suicidal person can get you thinking sometimes. I tried to figure some on the spot way of consoling her, giving her something to fuel the fire of life within her and motivate her to dispel the possibility of suicide. However, I found nothing to tell her except my own story of how I survived.

During the spring semester, I got stressed out. The homework had kept me down so much that I felt like killing myself. I'd hit rock bottom, and I cried myself to sleep Friday night. A week or two more of this, and I would've followed through, no second thoughts, and I'd get it right the first time.

What saved me, however, was nothing more than Disc Golf.

Yes, Yes...this fucker saved my life
The next morning my mother, my sister, and I went on a disc golf campaign with my sister's teacher, who was pretty cool. After that we had pizza for lunch, and I took the rest of the day off. That was the tipping point of my depression.

Basically, when you're depressed, you don't see or think clearly. When depressed, you're locked into this air of pessimism that's hard to escape. You're trapped, and it's unlikely you can get out of it on your own, usually having to have help from another person. Fate was the one that aided me. With one morning of peace and tranquility amidst stress and confusion, I was allowed to have the fog of pessimism cleared, and it was then that I saw with clarity.

I was at rock bottom then. I realized that not only did I have nowhere to go but up, I realized that I had nothing to lose. I didn't care anymore about what would happen if I made a fool out of myself, it didn't matter. I realized I could be who I wanted to be (that is, awesome) and if anyone disagreed, fuck them. I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and I did just that, just as I became who I wanted to be, and nobody could stop me.

Behold the magnificent Captain Yaple

God, I never get tired of that picture.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

I'm Scared Of Growing Up, Should I Invest In Religion?

What a week this has been. Moving, Supernatural, issues with my internet friends, and then there's telling my IRL friend I'm too busy (both physically and emotionally) to participate in GISHWHES this year, which I'm sure she'll go crazy and flip out over, given she's normally very enthusiastic about everything and was kinda obsessive about getting me into it in the first place.

Maybe next year, Erin? I've got too much shit to deal with.
So moving has been laborious, and my mom is stressed out. My dad hasn't helped out at all with moving (all he wants is his own stuff) and our only assistance has come from my mother's new boyfriend, who's actually been putting a lot of time and effort into helping us get rid of all the shit my dad has bought over the years. Once again, my mother is stressed to fuck, and the move and my dad not caring has driven her to the edge, worse than during the school year, only then I knew I was the cause.

I was wanting to meet up with one of my internet friends and my mom shot down the idea when I asked her, obviously not trusting me to meet up with a complete stranger. On top of that, she possibly wouldn't be able to drive me. I understand she's stressed, but I know how to escape a possible child molester. We'd be meeting in a public area, and I can always just sit there and refuse to move (also I'm "action hero type" enough to fight the good fight). I honestly don't see why she would need to worry, although given she's a mother and she's stressed enough, I don't blame her.

When I bitched about it to my other internet friend, we then got into an argument about how I won't grow the fuck up and solve the problem myself (I didn't ask her for any assistance whatsoever). She bitched me out about how I, Captain Dirk AJ Yaple, needs to get up off my high horse and face life and grow the fuck up. This isn't an exact summary of the argument (kinda one-sided, really), but it comes pretty damn close. It was then that my mother called me away to move some boxes, where I reflected on the words of my friend, until I realized they were right.

Then comes the part where once again I realize I'm a horrible person, in a way at least. I need to fucking grow up, as friend #2 said. The problem is I'm afraid of doing so. I don't know adulthood, and I know it's somewhat different to childhood as I know it. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm lazy, I'm an asshole, and I've already said enough about my narcissism in my previous blog post. It scares me, one of the first things to scare me in a long time.

This vast world, the world as humans have made it to be is horrible. So the older generation blames the younger generation? Look at the shitty world they left us with! We're doing a bit better than them only because we haven't been here as long. I know what it means to be an adult, but I don't know how I'd become one. I know how to keep a relationship intact, I just can't get into one (for obvious reasons).

This journey from being a teenager to being an adult is much harder than it was for my parents by far. Shit, 60 years ago you could afford college by being a fucking clerk! Now you have to be descended from someone who makes 6 figures just to pay off the damn student loans (if not, then prepare for crippling debt for a decade or two)! Back then you had diseases, but at least then natural selection took place and the people who didn't vaccinate their fucking kids died before they could convert others to their stupid fad.

As you can probably tell, the worst part of adulthood will be the dumb as shit bureaucracy that I will have to deal with, especially in America, the land of convenience!

I feel the emptiness in the pit of my stomach once more, combined with the shame that comes hand in hand with pissing off two of your friends when you know it's your fault the whole damn time. What a sucky evening. Thanks to me getting my feelings out on this damn post, I feel kinda better. Kinda.

If anything I've learned from writing this, I can tell that the one thing I will hate more than bureaucracies will be transition periods.