Wednesday, April 23, 2014

JotMotW: Entry #2: Frustration

My next journal entry! Hopefully you guys enjoy this one. Long story short, (or TL;DR, as Hunter asked), today was suckish, but a different kind of suckish.


Anger makes you clench your fists, your face go red, give you the urge to punch a wall. That last one isn't you, it's not a conscious decision at all. It's merely adrenaline. When infuriated, you tense up, feel yourself become strong, no matter how weak you are. You become enraged, ready to strike at a moment's notice, knowing that you could lash out right then and there.
Frustration is different. Frustration is subtle. Frustration is a snake in the grass, poised to strike when you least expect it. Frustration is built, frustration is cumulative, and if you are never able to let it out, it begins to erode at you, your psyche, your temper, it all simply is weathered away without your knowledge. The subtlety is key. Frustration works slowly. Frustration is the rock you narrowly trip over. Frustration is the not-so-subtle patronizing tone in your algebra teacher's words as a single minuscule pebble hitting your head every minute. Frustration is your teacher not communicating clearly and not granting you -or your group members -any sympathy on the project you're currently working on. Frustration eats at me from within, gnawing away at my happy thoughts and forcing me to dream of sweet vengeance upon my daily annoyances. It takes my desire to make those that annoy me know of their effect upon my nerves and mutates it, manipulates it, until I desire to uphold Hammurabi's code and make them pay, "an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth", that is what I strive for, despite my original wish simply for nothing else than peaceful complaint. My previous picture of peacefully speaking up in class to calmly let the teacher know that we're more tired than she could possibly be at the moment has changed into the metaphorical image of the Tenth Doctor regenerating, the fires of grief, anger, and sorrow exploding from the phoenix's heart, fashioning the inferno aboard the TARDIS's control room. This is only a premonition of what I could possibly expect for myself.

I am truly frustrated, I have taken it for so long, for this entire year, given the short end of the stick at every possible moment. I care not, I am sick of how my life is held back, for things that might not even be worth my time. The next time I'm handed that short end of the stick, I'll take it and beat my oppressor with the long end. I can feel rage at the slightest moments, held back by the slightest bit of restraint I still possess, but not for much longer. I'm going to truly lose it sometime, and if I am to die...let there be fire. I can tell regeneration comes upon me, as a personal form of death, revolution of spirit, and renewal.

and then, maybe then, ere the break of summer, I can let my frustration go.


aaaand my expectation of this being crap turned out to be completely wrong. Damn! I hope you guys enjoyed!

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