I desire meniality, however indirectly it serves as my desire. I have my rest, I'm calm, I'm not stressed at all, but I still can't focus on my homework, however light, because it clashes with my own desires. I finally feel free, unburdened, everything of my choosing, my life of my own direction for once, and I have no room for homework within this free agenda I possess. Here I am, free from my restrictive schedule, and I have all the time I need to finish my homework, yet I can't.
Now that I have felt myself no longer under the yoke of school, with all it's stressful direction and frustrating decisions, I am free to achieve my own ends. I can do what I please now, accomplish my goals, further my own desires, but I find it hard to get back to schoolwork again. I have tasted the essence of freedom, and now I cannot return myself to servitude. I want to write more, let myself go, have fun, but I am required to force myself to do my schoolwork, but that nulls me out. My desire to be my own lies on one end of the spectrum, my school's desire for me to be a good student on the other. Both converge and create neutrality, so instead, I simply play Flappy 2048, no wish to be productive entering my mind. Paranoia has returned, the pondering of what might happen would I not do anything today, passive stress, unneeding of a reason to attend the concert of voices in my head. My self-confidence only goes so far, I could lose my good grades, I could be embarrassed, I could flunk out of my school, I could spiral into depression (bit late for that one, though...).
None of these are likely to happen, but they could, they have a one in a million chance of happening, and that's still a chance, isn't it? I know that they probably won't happen, but my subconscious mind disagrees. They could happen, the smallest chance ever in history, literally once in a trillion chances, and it'd still make me paranoid. I fear getting up in front of people, lest I be humiliated, when in reality they love me, they look forward to me, they know I'm a cool guy, and yet I'm still afraid. I fear saying a witty remark in class, lest I be called out on something for whatever reason, when in reality half the time people laugh at my quips and jests, and some specifically look forward to it, and yet I'm still afraid. I fear the possibility of going right up to my crush and proclaiming my love for her, lest she reject me and embarrass me, when in reality...she could very well do the same, and yet I'm still afr...well, actually, I think a little nervousness is appropriate in this situation.
I've already proclaimed that, as a result of this harsh year of school, I no longer care about the opinions of others, that I simply don't give a fuck, that I live my life carefree. This is a lie at times, I am paranoid of failing, whether it be school or my own assigned goals. I am confident in my own abilities, and yet also cannot be confident to save my life. My greatest challenge will always be, not the stressful school year I've been facing, but my own self.
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