Love is one of the most exhilarating feelings, lifting one up out of darkness and keeping one from slipping off an edge, love can be the most beautiful thing one can ever envision, and yet, love can also be the harshest hell one can be in.
When you fall in love, you try to act upon that love, your desire seemingly within arm's reach, and you find yourself confident enough to do so, allowing that love to be explored. May I say to these people, good for you, I'm happy for you, I wish you nothing but the best (is that too much condescension?). For these people, love is a blessing, for they are confident enough to follow through. For others, love can be a curse. Others find themselves less capable of approaching the object of their affection, their nervousness overcoming them and forcing them to withdraw. Love can lift a person from death and also force another to fall to their knees. The object of your affection may not love you, or worse, they already love another, who's succeeded in being confident enough to ask them out before you do. Love may be amazing for them, but it can be dismal for you.
I am one of the people who is screwed over by love. Every single time I have a crush, they somehow sense my growing affections for them, and out of intimidation, manifest their discomfort in the form of a boyfriend, who in turn intimidates me, primarily out of respect for the bro code (and also because he appears to be a lot better than me). This appears to be a common trait found in my crushes, perhaps the specific traits I'm attracted to are linked to the gene of boyfriend manifestation. Hmmm....
Anyways, I post this because I am in love yet again, against my very will, with a girl who puts all my other crushes to shame. The sad part is we barely ever see each other, and the rare times when we do manage to encounter each other whilst walking the halls don't coincide with the times I feel most confident in terms of talking to a crush. I try to find confidence, but all I can do is listen to the nearby conversation she partakes in and make the occasional witty remark, inciting even the smallest hint of agreement, if not the smallest bout of laughter. When she is affected by this and laughs openly, I feel confident, and yet I still can't talk to her. Intimidation comes hand in hand with the love I feel, part of the reason why boyfriend manifestation is allowed to occur.
I don't want to lose this one, she seems like the one, we're both pretty damn similar, yet also different enough to prevent monotony. We have like personalities, and her beauty is but an added bonus to me, and yet I'm afraid. Afraid of rejection, afraid of being in second place, afraid of feeling pain, which for anyone is only natural.
I'm seriously trying on this one, but still there is hesitation in my step, in my voice, intimidation disguised as caution. I beseech whatever god of love may exist, give me something. Is it too late, is it a waste of my time? Or should I continue? Is this road worth travelling on? Is this desired by someone other than me? Is this wishful thinking, a figment of my imagination, or is this real?
No comments:
Post a Comment