Friday, April 25, 2014

JotMotW: Entry #4: Indifference Towards Death

I don't have a death wish, at least, not a full one. The discrepancy between killing myself and my current thoughts are very simple, so far away, yet so close together.

The death wish I claim I don't have involves full submission to the suicidal thoughts within my ruined mind. The voices of pain and torment whisper to me, close as the wind on my face, yet far as the burning sun. Unseen, only slightly heard, urging me to grab that knife and slit my throat, to grab that gun and put a bullet in my head, to take conscious action against myself and my not-so-well being. The voices in my head are beautiful sometimes, treated correctly. They sing to me in times of happiness, the multiple types, respective with several aspects of my personality, their voices echoing through my skull, letting my thoughts clash, crashing and colliding and merging within the battleground of my subconscious. When happy I find them beautiful, as they do seem when they appear to me. In my current state, however, they serve no pleasure for me, yet also serve no pain. When they serve pain I beget a death wish, as mentioned previously.

Now they are simply indifferent, caught between the deciders of life and death, and thus my death wish remains present and yet inactive. In other words, I too am indifferent towards the decision of life and death, the meaning somewhat confusing to others. This simple idiom means that I shall live my life, not caring about death, until suddenly it stares me in the face, grasping my arm, trying to force me to follow. My indifference means that I will not fight it when the time comes. Death will call my name, and I will walk towards the hooded figure leisurely, caring of neither life nor death, so long as death asks politely.

This wasn't always me, I didn't used to be like this. I used to enjoy life, never wanting to die. My stress and frustration forced me to this, I sometimes wonder if the voices in my head will turn on me, I currently don't care either way. My life right now is hell, and I'll do my best to live it, until the hooded figure comes for me, and I will be at peace.


sorry if this one isn't as good as the rest, I'm extremely tired and need my sleep.

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